I am a Liar

Liar

I am a liar…

In day-to-day life there are so many roles we have to play. For me these are wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, employee, advocate and one I feel is a “dark mark”, patient.

Most of these roles depend on me falling into parameters and meeting obligations. I must do what I have to in order to fulfill my roles in life.

But I sometimes can’t.

 

I am a Liar….

I lie to myself, I lie to my boss, I lie to my parents, I lie to my family.

I lie…..

I tell myself that I can do it all alone.

I tell myself that no one cares about my problems, that no one will be able to handle them and be there for me. I tell myself that my parents and my family are too burdened with me and they would be better off without me. I tell myself that my husband would be more successful and happier without me around to bug him.

I tell myself that my friends would have more fun, and do greater and better things without me. I tell myself that my boss would be better served by an employee with a better skill set than mine.

I lie…..

I tell myself if I only would shut my mouth and be submissive people would like me more.

I tell myself not to complain so much because my problems aren’t important and my pain will not be empathized with.

I lie….

I tell myself that I am unworthy of love.

I tell myself I am unworthy of growth, professionally and personally.

I tell myself that I deserve the pain that I am going through.

I lie…

I tell myself that some unknown sin or past ill deed is why I am in this situation, that I am to blame for all my trouble and every tear on my pillow will not pay the price for my past.

I lie….

I lie because the truth is so hard to face.

 

In truth..

My Husband loves me dearly. He calls me beautiful and holds me when I feel weak.

In truth….

My Mom loves me more than the sun, the moon and the stars combined.

In truth….

I still have my Dad wrapped around my little finger at 28.

In truth…

My Friends are loving caring people who truly care, who drop whatever they are doing to talk on the phone and always seem to have some heartfelt advice to share.

In truth…

I rock at my job.

In truth…

I am loud and boisterous. I speak my mind. I laugh too loud and cry too often. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel deeply.

I love. I cherish. I empathize.

 

But yet I lie….

 

I lie because at some time or another we forget our worth.

We stray from seeing life as a miracle and start seeing it as a curse.

Less like heaven and more like hell.

I cannot put into words exactly why that is, because it is different for all.

For me, my self-worth has always been contingent upon how I think the world sees me.

 

In truth…

I am a miracle.

In truth…

I am blessed

In truth…

I did nothing that caused me to get CRPS.

In truth…

I am worthy.

 

My name is Christa Whightsel.

I am a recovering Liar.

It has been an hour since my last lie.

I will lie and I will tell the truth.

But I will not allow the lie to become the truth.

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7 Responses to I am a Liar

  1. Beth Logue says:

    I have lived with RSD for 18 years. I lie to people that I am normal, just like them. In reality, I am lying. I hurt so bad that I want to scream. How much longer will this go on?

  2. Ken Lorenzo says:

    So true, and although I have had this monster in my life for less than two years… I already Lie more than anything.

  3. Julie says:

    That just made me cry. I haven’t even told the majority of people in my life that I have CRPS because I feel like no one would care or want to know about it.

    • Naanad says:

      Yeah, sadly I think you’re in the majority here. But I’ll be honest I went the other way. I don’t care if they don’t want to know. I think of it like diabetes. I have this, if you want to know more, ask. But it has caused limitations in my life i have to respect so I can continue to have a life. I can bend the rules like a diabetic does with eating a donut, but if I do I will definitely have to pay for it. So you’re welcome to learn about it online but it’s different for each person, so I’m still the best resource if you want to know more about how it is for me.

      And doctors, every visit I causally being it up with EVERY blood draw, nurse, and doctor. And just encourage them to look it up. I’m The patient who just casually throws it out there.

      Heck last night when they did my urine test, I was worried it was because I was drug seeking. I flat out said to the nurse, of they’re worried about it, I’ll gladly pass on the pain medicine.

      I figure I’d rather be frank and honest and looked like I’m insane, then hold back to help them not worry and cause me stress.

      But honestly, only you know what’s best for you. So if you think you need to do. I partially regret my son knowing because he’s the BIGGEST worrier about me. But I’m glad he knows because it would be too hard to hide as time goes on.

  4. Marion Ings says:

    I thought I was reading my own journal. Thank you for making me feel not so alone with my thoughts and perspectives.

    • Christa_Whightsel says:

      You are welcome. You are not alone. There are millions of us. And 20,000 new cases a year!
      Don’t go it alone! We are here if you need someone!

  5. jacky henderson says:

    Then i am a liar too…thank you so much from rainy cold England for making my day..bright blessings..jacky

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