April 3, 2013
Consequences of pain: One year on
Today is 1 year since I fell. 1 year from the bad decision that changed my life forever. I wonder what my life would have been like. I wonder if this helped me grow or if I just made lemonade out of lemons. I wonder if this really happened for a reason. I wonder if I am walking the right path.The next 6 months are filled with memories of 1 year ago to the day. Last year at this time was the beginning of a period I remember only pieces of. For the next 6 months, thinking back will only bring thoughts of severe unrelenting pain! The memories of being called a prima dona! The feelings of isolation and no one in the world understanding what I felt. Memories of my personal hell! Memories of being called crazy! I was called a drug seeker solely based on my home medication list.
My mother was my advocate, without her I would have had zero pain relief. Granted, pain relief is a relative term. I was on tons of medications! Regardless of the meds, I did not sleep more than 30 min to an hour or two at a time. There was no difference from night to day. I lived on the couch. The trek to the bathroom was one that I contemplated “Do I really have to go THAT bad?” The 25 feet to the bathroom was enough to put me in tears, unable to breathe from pain! In the short times I was asleep, my parents tell me I was crying, moaning or whimpering in my sleep. I was assured that this pain was totally normal and expected. I was not able to sleep!
I did not get a diagnosis or a reason for my pain until May when we thought it was from the blood clots. However, the pain did not let up after those were treated. I was unable to do any weight bearing. I went through “physical torture” and failed to progress which led to my diagnosis with the MRI. Even after the stated “rare diagnosis,” I was unable to find doctors to treat me. My 6 months of HELL continued well into August and September when I made the decision that despite what doctors say, I WILL walk again! I WILL surf! I WILL skydive! I WILL rollerblade! Most importantly, I will prove that I am not a number or statistic… I AM ME! I am not saying that this time was easier, but I will say that it was at this time that I decided that I AM TAKING CONTROL BACK!
So today, I am unsure how to feel about my 1 year birthday of my “new life.” What I do know is that I will continue to fight! I will continue to raise awareness! I will continue to LIVE. RSD will always be a part of me…. but that is all! I maintain control!